I’m sorry this is too late for Earth Day, but it is a worthy program for us deniers.
For years, you’ve watched helplessly as your neighbors try to erase their eco-sins with something called “carbon offsets” – the modern-day indulgences that rich liberals buy to make themselves feel better about taking NetJets to Sundance every January, or living in an 11,000-square-foot house with nine bathrooms. They may be burning more fossil fuels in a year than Malawi, but by purchasing a certificate that says someone planted ferns on their behalf in the Amazon Basin, these confirmed despoilers of the environment can claim to be “carbon-neutral.” And they do claim it, self-righteously and at every opportunity. It’s infuriating, yet there’s nothing you can do about it.
This Earth Day, we at the The Daily Caller are proud to introduce our exclusive Carbon Offset-Offset Program. For a small fee, you can do your part to stop environmental fraud. Here’s how it works:
Each time your neighbor buys a carbon offset, you offset it.
That’s the beauty of The Daily Caller Carbon Offset-Offset Program: There’s no fuss or hassle. We take care of the carbon emissions in a controlled environment, at no risk to you. Our trained pollution engineers neutralize the effects of your neighbors’ guilt while you remain in the comfort of your highly air-conditioned home, knowing you’ve done your part. And you can rest easy knowing that part of your purchase will go toward high-quality investigative reporting that will continue to expose fraud in the environmental movement. Act now and receive a handsome certificate suitable for framing that confirms your participation in this important project.
Purchase a Daily Caller Carbon Offset-Offset for the keepsake certificate, suitable for den or study. Better yet, buy a Daily Caller Carbon Offset-Offset for your neighbor, the one who’s forever bragging about his contributions to renewable energy. Let him know that while his dollars fund some Third World hemp cooperative, The Daily Caller will be burning tires in his name. The Daily Caller Carbon Offset-Offset, the perfect gift for any occasion.